MASH
by pandagal
Summary: I sit down and play MASH with our fave characters! Hilarity will ensue when I try to figure out what their future will be. Be prepare to laugh your heads off and if not then chuckle. COMPLETE!
1. Elizabeth

Disclaimer: I don't own POTC but whoever thought of MASH- thank you!!! It's the best game ever!  
  
AN: This story came to mind one day when I was really bored in Speech class. My friends and I play this game all the time and making up different topics is sooo much fun! If my MASH comes true, then Ashton Kutcher better dump Demi soon! Lol. Enough of me babbling and let's have some fun!  
  
"Hi Liz, what's up?" I asked when I arrived at the Governor's mansion.  
  
Elizabeth, surprised by my sudden visit and not used to my way of talking, answered, "I'm fine Heather. Why are you carrying that paper book?"  
  
I looked down at my notebook and then back to her, smiling. "Well, the last time I was here, you were telling me how bored you are when Will is off on adventures with Jack. I thought we could play M-A-S-H."  
  
"M-A-S-H? What's that?"  
  
"It's a game to see what your future will be. My friends and I play this all the time and the best part is making up wacky things for your future."  
  
"Why would you do that? Isn't the future to be something to be taken seriously?" she said.  
  
I rolled my eyes. God, these people need to learn to have fun in their lives, I thought.  
  
We went to the parlor. Setting my notebook on the table, I kneeled down in front and started making up the topics. Elizabeth sat across from me and watched as I wrote quickly.  
  
"Now here is how it goes: there's 13 topics that's going to decide your future. I'm only read each one at a time and you're going to give me 3 choices for each one. MASH to let you know, stands for where you live and I'll tell you when we're done."  
  
"Did you do this before?"  
  
I nod. "Sure do! I'm supposed to marry Ashton and it would be great if it comes true. First, give me three names for your future husband."  
  
"Does it have to be someone I know?"  
  
"Yeah or you could make someone up. How about James and Bob for two of them and you give me one."  
  
"Will," she said finally after thinking for a little bit.  
  
"Now where do you want your wedding to be."  
  
"A church, of course, and maybe on a ship."  
  
"One more."  
  
"I'm not sure. I can't think of anything else. Where would you want your wedding to be?"  
  
"On the beach. It's so romantic," I told her.  
  
"Okay, on a beach."  
  
"Next, your wedding dress color."  
  
"White, pale pink, and peach."  
  
"Tux color for your hubbie."  
  
"Black, gray, and charcoal."  
  
"What kind of car do you want?"  
  
"Car?"  
  
"Fine, let's say a pirate ship, carriage, and a horse," I said.  
  
"What color will it be?"  
  
"Brown, white, and black."  
  
"How many kids?"  
  
"Four and three." She stops and thought for a second. "What were you going to have?"  
  
"2 million then," I replied as I wrote it down.  
  
"2 million? That's impossible," she declared.  
  
"It's a game," I said sarcastically. "What gender should they be? All boys, all girls or a mix?"  
  
"Fine."  
  
"Okay. What pet do you want?"  
  
"I always wanted a dog," she said. "Oh and a cat! They're quite useful."  
  
"One more Liz."  
  
"This is sooo hard! I can't think of any I would want."  
  
"A gummy worm," I mumbled.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Never mind. Sex life is next."  
  
"WHAT?! That's improper to say! You shouldn't ask me that!"  
  
"God Liz! It's something we're going to do sooner or later in our lives. Just give me the three choices or I'll will."  
  
She folded her arms. "I won't talk about this!"  
  
"Right then. It'll be wild, comfortable, and it sucks. I don't see what's the big deal," I said under my breath. "What job should he have?"  
  
"A pirate, blacksmith, and a swordsman," she replied dreamily, thinking of Will.  
  
I smirked. This can be so easy! "A job for yourself."  
  
"Why would I want a job? I'm fine the way I am," Elizabeth said.  
  
"Pirate and a housewife for you. Is there something you love that you would think of doing for a living?"  
  
"I do like to paint," she said after all. "I guess a painter then."  
  
"Last but not least: your budget. How much bling bling should you have?"  
  
She looked confused at me. I sighed. "Money."  
  
"I'm not sure Heather. I'm rich and I have plenty of money."  
  
"Okay but let's make it specific. Liz, it's a game so tend to one it won't happen. Do you think I'm going to marry a celeb that is 10 years older than me and that in fact he can have any girl he wants? No. So how much?"  
  
"Well, I know you want me to have some fun and I really been giving you a hard time for some of the topics. I'm going to have fun with this. A 100!"  
  
"100! Another one."  
  
"Hmmm, 1 million and a penny!" she cried.  
  
"Done! Now I'm to write little marks and just tell me when to stop."  
  
Three pauses and she called out stop.  
  
"Okay, let's find out what your future is."  
  
It took me a few minutes and I looked over what was circled.  
  
"Okay Liz, this is future: You are going to live in a apartment, you are going to marry Will, wedding is on the beach, your dress is peach, Will's tux is charcoal, your car is a horse and it's black, you're going to have 2 million kids and they are all girls, your pet is a cat, your sex life is comfortable, Will's a blacksmith and you're a housewife, and your budget is $1 million. Boy, what was the odd that some of these might come true," I finished.  
  
Elizabeth laughed. "I know! This was fun but we should hide it before Will gets here since he'll be back soon. Now he hasn't propose yet but I'm hoping the reason he was gone to get a ring. Give it to me."  
  
I handed her the paper with her future on it. "Bye Liz, I'll see you later then."  
  
I waved and left.  
  
~Meanwhile~  
  
"Will that's sure one `ell of a ring there for Elizabeth," said Jack.  
  
"I know and I can't wait to propose. You don't think she suspects anything?"  
  
"No mate. But she's a woman so she might have."  
  
"Bye Jack and stay out of trouble," Will said before he went his separate way.  
  
But Jack didn't leave. He wandered over to the mansion and thought of stealing some of the rum inside. It was late and everyone was asleep.  
  
So quiet as a mouse, he went inside and went to the kitchen. He took a couple of bottles and suck them dry. Swaggering, he wandered throughout the house and spotted a piece of paper under a chair. He pick it up and skimmed over what it said.  
  
"Will, ye have no idea what ye got yerself into mate."  
  
What did ya all think? Go on and review. I dare ya so go ahead and tell me the good news, you seadogs! 


	2. Will

Disclaimer: I don't own POTC but I do own their futures!!!! LOL!  
  
AN: Just to let you all know, I'm using a new topic for this one.  
  
The next day, Elizabeth found Jack passed out on the floor, holding a piece of paper. She bent over to pick it up when Jack woke.  
  
"Ahh! Jack! You scared me!" she hissed.  
  
"You?! You bloody woke me up!"  
  
"This is my house! What are you doing?"  
  
Jack looked around and scratched his head. "I dunno. Me mind's a bit foggy but I do remember this!" He grabbed the paper from her hands.  
  
"2 million kids! Elizabeth, Will might get worn out, savvy?"  
  
"It's a game Jack! It's called M-A-S-H and Heather was kind enough to teach me," she said in a-matter-fact tone. "It won't happen Jack. It's a fun game to play."  
  
"Oh," Jack replied. "It's not going to happen? Any of this?"  
  
"The 2 million kids no. But I am hoping that Will propose soon," she said.  
  
"I see. Well, Elizabeth I must go and thanks for the rum."  
  
"What rum? I didn't give you any."  
  
Jack ran off quickly leaving Elizabeth baffled.  
  
+++  
  
~Blacksmith's Shop~  
  
Clank! Clank! Will pounded his hammer to make another sword. Clank!  
  
Finished, he admired his work and for show, Will swung the sword a little bit.  
  
"Another lovely done," he said proudly. Placing the newly finished sword in its case, Will went around to check on his master.  
  
Mr. Brown was still asleep. "I wonder if his wife knows he's still here for the past," he paused to look at the clock, "few weeks." (AN: we all know that Mr. Brown just lays around and sleeps so I figured he never leaves to go home. Maybe his wife is a screamer.)  
  
Will sat down and took out the ring. It was beautiful, a diamond-cut ring with a gold setting. It was perfect, just like Elizabeth. He decided tonight he was going to pop the question.  
  
While he sat and planned out what was going to happen, guess who showed up!  
  
"What's up Turner?" I said as I strolled inside.  
  
"Uh?" he asked.  
  
"Anything new going on?"  
  
"Oh! I plan on proposing to Elizabeth tonight. What are you doing here?"  
  
I patted my notebook. "Well Will, I thought you could use a break from all the sword-making and adventures on the Pearl for a friendly game of M-A-S- H."  
  
"M-A-S-H? What's that?" he said.  
  
"A game to find out what your future will be. A little FYI before we play: tend to one it won't come true because the topics are silly and that's the point. To make them as silly and stupid you can. Unless, you want to be a bad sport and make it all serious and stuff. It's up to you," I told him.  
  
"All right. I'll play," he said.  
  
Moving some of his tools aside I put the notebook down and wrote out the topics. When I was done, I read off the first: 3 Girl names.  
  
"Elizabeth, Elizabeth, and Elizabeth," he said.  
  
"Will, you can't use the same name for the same person."  
  
"Why not?" he asked.  
  
"Because you can't!" I cried. His shock face of not having her name three times was so funny (and cute!) that I told him fine but just this once.  
  
"Next, where's the wedding."  
  
"Church, ship, and it would be great if my Dad was alive to give it."  
  
"Okay. Dress color."  
  
"White, pink, and a bright white," he said.  
  
"Tux color."  
  
"Black and Dark Gray. Is there any neat colors that men are wearing for weddings?"  
  
"Hot pink," I said, as a joke.  
  
"Hot pink then." He folded his arms.  
  
"This is your future," I laughed. "Car then. Wait! Something for you travel in."  
  
"Ship and a horse. What was that thing your dad drives? It was very comfortable."  
  
"A Yukon? If that's what you want." I wrote it down. "What color?"  
  
Will said tan, brown, and black.  
  
"Will, how many kids?"  
  
"I always wanted a large family, so three. And four! Make it six!"  
  
"Sex life."  
  
"Excuse me?! Isn't that something you shouldn't talk about?"  
  
"Ohmigod! Its just sex! You people seriously need to get a life," I said. "Look. I'll give you comfortable, wild, and animal. I said it and not you, so is that fine with you?"  
  
He nodded. "Good. What pet do you want?"  
  
"A dog, parrot, and a cat."  
  
"Budget. Get crazy on this one and give me any amount."  
  
"5,000 and 500,000. Oh! And 700,000!"  
  
"Job."  
  
"Blacksmith, first mate, and captain."  
  
"Okay, last but not least: Is Norrington a loser?"  
  
"What does that have to do with the future?"  
  
"Nothing. I just want to know. I think he is."  
  
"I really shouldn't. Could you do it for me?"  
  
"We have positively, absolutely, and certainly."  
  
"Which they all mean yes," Will said sternly.  
  
"So? What is he going to do? Hang me?" I replied sarcastically. "Just tell me when to stop."  
  
He waited eight seconds and called stop.  
  
~Five minutes later due to the fact Will kept asking questions~  
  
"Here it is: You are going to live in a apartment, you are going to marry Elizabeth (Will let's out a whoop), your dad is going to say the wedding, Liz's dress is white, your tux is hot pink, you have a horse as a car, the horse is black, you'll have three kids, sex life is comfortable, cat for a pet, $700,000 for your budget, you're a blacksmith, and Norrington is positively a loser," I said.  
  
"Thanks Heather that gives me the confidence to ask Elizabeth! How could I thank you?"  
  
"Don't wear hot pink in your wedding. Everyone might think you're fruity."  
  
He hugged me. "Done! I have no clue what fruity means but I trust your judgment."  
  
Will then ran out to get ready for tonight.  
  
~The Dinner~  
  
"Oh Will! It's simply lovely," Elizabeth said.  
  
The blacksmith blushed. "I'm glad you like dinner. Um, Elizabeth?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Since the moment I saw you, when we were kids, I thought you were an angel. You grow beautiful everyday and I can't help but feel that I'm the luckiest man alive just to have your company. Elizabeth, I love you so much and I would be honored if you . . ." He got down on one knee. "be my wife?"  
  
"Yes!" Elizabeth shouted. After slipping the ring on her finger, Will thought how true that M-A-S-H was.  
  
Elizabeth thought how funny it would be if her M-A-S-H of 2 million kids came true!  
  
This is not over people! I have 2 more people I'm going to M-A-S-H and I bet you don't know who! Well, maybe one of them but go ahead and REVIEW!!! 


	3. Norrington

Disclaimer: Boo hoo! I don't own POTC, but if any of them (mainly Jack Sparrow) is looking for new ownership. Then please look my way!  
  
AN: Thank you all for the reviews! Don't worry I'll for sure do Jack! But not this chapter! (Evil laugh!) I'm only doing it for the suspense and I know that some people hate suspense! (Still evil laugh!) Anyways let's continue, shall we?  
  
~The Next Day~  
  
It was a beautiful day and I couldn't wait to go to Port Royale.  
  
"Bye Mom! I'm heading to Port Royale!" I yelled.  
  
"Very funny Heather!" she yelled back.  
  
I grinned. She had no idea. "You caught me. I'm going to the mall instead!"  
  
"Okay dear. I think you've been watching that Pirates of the Caribbean a little too much!"  
  
~Port Royale~  
  
When I arrived, I was heading to the Governor's mansion when I ran into a very glum Norrington. Putting on a fake smile I said, "Good day Commodore!"  
  
"Oh, hello Heather," he sighed. I was about to keep on walking when my cursed guilty conscience force me to ask what was wrong. "What's wrong? If I may ask?"  
  
He looked at me sadly. "Turner and Elizabeth are going to get married."  
  
"They are?! Now I have a good enough reason to go to the mansion now. Listen, I'm sure you'll meet someone. Like they always say, we all have a special person out there and we just have to look."  
  
"Could you M-A-S-H me?" he said suddenly.  
  
"What?"  
  
"M-A-S-H me. You did to Elizabeth and Will and theirs came true. I want my future done."  
  
"Dude, it's just a game. The only reason theirs came true was coincidence. But if you want I will. Luckily, I have a small notebook I keep in my purse," I said as I pulled it out. "Where?"  
  
Norrington and I headed to his office. He sat anxiously at his desk as I settled by a small table. "What does M-A-S-H stand for anyways?" he inquired.  
  
"Where you'll live. M is mansion, A is apartment, S is shack, and H is house. Now I'll give you the topic and you'll give me 3 choices. First, girl names for wife."  
  
"Elizabeth," he said dreamily. (You know, that dumb look on your face and your eyes get all glossy and everything. That was the way he looked.) I rolled my eyes. This guy can't get over her.  
  
"Jeanette and Britney Spears."  
  
"Okay Jeanette, Liz's cousin, and . . . did you say Britney Spears? Were you the one who stole my CD when I invited everyone over to a party?" I asked.  
  
"I . . . um . . . you see . . . I think she's cute and she has such a lovely voice. I felt like she was singing to me," he said. (Obviously he likes younger women.)  
  
"Wedding then."  
  
"Church, ship, and it was always my dream for the King to perform it," Norrington said.  
  
"Next, dress color."  
  
"White, a pale yellow, and 'pure' white."  
  
"Tux color."  
  
"Red, white, and black."  
  
"Fine. Now what type of transportation?" I asked without the term car.  
  
"Carriage with horse, ship, and I did like that picture of that thing on the box I saw."  
  
"Hummer? Whatever Commodore. What color?"  
  
"Gray, dark brown, and white," he told me.  
  
"Kids."  
  
"Two, five, and I guess ten."  
  
"Pet," I said.  
  
"Dog, cat, and bird."  
  
"Now, you might yell at me for this one but sex life."  
  
When I said the 'S' word, Norrington's eyes grew so big I thought they'd pop out. "Okay. Then wild, comfortable, and sucks for you too then." I scribbled them down and then asked for job.  
  
"Commodore, Admiral, and maybe Governor one day!"  
  
"Budget your Commodoreness," I said.  
  
Ignoring me, he replied a 1000, 10000, and 100000.  
  
"Last one your dudeness. Will you ever catch Jack Sparrow?"  
  
"Yes! That's the only answer," he said.  
  
"You need 2 more but I'll put down never in a million years and plain no."  
  
After marking 5 times he called stop and I got down to work. "Norrington: you're going to live in a shack, marry Britney Spears, wedding on a ship, Brit's dress is pale yellow, tux is red, car is a ship and dark brown, five kids, bird, sex life sucks (sorry for Britney!), you'll be Governor, budget is $100,000, and never in a million years will you catch Jack Sparrow."  
  
"That's it? That's my future?! Well, this was a complete waste of time!" he bellowed.  
  
"I told you, it's a game. It doesn't have to go your way," I explained.  
  
"The only good thing was I'd marry Britney Spears. Well thanks anyway Heather."  
  
"No problem," I said as I quickly left. I was walking up to the mansion when I saw Jack Sparrow staggering past me. An idea formed in my head and after calling a Hello!' out, I whispered, "You're next Sparrow."  
  
Hahahahahahahahahahaha! Jack is next! What could his future bring? Will it be good or will it be bad? Will I be his choice for marriage? I don't know about you, but I hope yes! LOL. Keep on reviewing people! By the way: I'm chillin like a villain with Bob Dylan eatin some fruit fillin. It's an inside joke. I can be so weird at times! Just ignore me. 


	4. Jack

Disclaimer: I don't own the POTC and I'll never will. Happy? I said it! I don't own them!  
  
AN- Sorry it took so long but I've been busy! I hope this was worth the wait!  
  
I ran inside the mansion and I found Liz and Will on the couch, making out.  
  
I cleared my throat. They still kept going. (Dang! I thought. They are really going at it considering where they are!)  
  
"You guys!" I yelled.  
  
Embarrassed, Elizabeth jumped off Will and straightened up her dress. "Heather! I didn't know you were visiting."  
  
"Well, I heard from the Commodore the happy news and I wanted to say congrats!"  
  
"Thank you," Will said.  
  
"The Commodore? I suppose he's still taking it hard," Elizabeth said.  
  
I nodded. "You have no idea! In fact, he made me M-A-S-H him. I was curious, how did he know about it and how did he know what it said for you both?"  
  
The two looked around and Will whistled (you know the tune you make when you're caught and you pretend it wasn't you. That was it).  
  
"Right. Anyways, where is Jack off to?"  
  
"I thought I heard him say he was going to the Tavern or something," Will told me.  
  
"Okay. Well, I'll see you guys later! Oh, and Liz. Since you are going to be a bride, you owe me and I want to be the maid of honor and Jack has to be the best man. Savvy?"  
  
"Okay! I will and I'll make sure Will makes Jack his best man," Elizabeth promised.  
  
Smiling, I skipped out of the mansion to find Jack.  
  
"You owe her? What happened?" Will asked.  
  
"Well, it was like this Will. Remember when I told you Heather was taking me to see the movie that the guy who was you in? Lord of the something it was called, well I . . . . . .. . . . .. " (AN- I'm not going to say what happened because Liz promised me and I do keep my promises. Sorry! But to give you a hint, it involves a very confused Liz and a dude who looked like Orlando.)  
  
~The Tavern~  
  
I went inside and look all over for a certain Sparrow. I just happened to wander over to an unhappy customer who was yelling for more rum.  
  
"Hello Jack!" I said in a sweet-song tone.  
  
"Heather? What are ye doing `ere?" he asked surprised.  
  
Taking a seat across from him, I pulled out my trusty handy dandy notebook. (Blue Clue's I know! I'm so pathetic!)  
  
"What's dat?" he asked.  
  
"Well, Jack I want to play a game with you . . ."  
  
"Oh no! You're not going to trick me again!"  
  
"C'mon Jack! It's a harmless game I swear!"  
  
Still not looking convinced, he leaned over the table. "I remember the last time ye said that about the bottle!"  
  
Laughing from the memory, I too, leaned over where our faces were closer. "So? You had a fun time, if I remember correctly."  
  
Growling he leaned back into his chair. "Ye got me drunk!"  
  
"Jack you are not going to let something from the past get in a way with this! Besides, you said I was a good kisser," I pouted.  
  
He sighed. "Fine! I'll yer game but no funny business!"  
  
With a triumphant look, I wrote out the topics. "It's called M-A-S-H. It's a game that's decides your future but no! It's not true; it's a fun game to make your future goofy. So, I'll tell you the topics and you'll give me 3 choices for each. Number 1: future wives names."  
  
Jack pondered for a moment. "Me rum, the Pearl, and hat."  
  
"REAL PEOPLE! Those are items!"  
  
"So? I love them."  
  
"If they were alive, what would their names be? Oh could I have my name done for one?"  
  
"Go ahead. I'm not sure what name to use?"  
  
"Okay I'll help you. There's Heather the rum and your hat could be any name?"  
  
"Sounds good. But the Pearl remains the Pearl since it's a girl name."  
  
"Where the wedding is?"  
  
"A ship. Do I have to be married? I'm fine the way I am!" he said.  
  
"Yes!" I told him.  
  
"Before I die and never!"  
  
"Whatever Jack. Dress color."  
  
"The traditional white and black. Could naked be an option?" he asked hopefully.  
  
I nodded. "Tux."  
  
"Naked for sure! Black and gray."  
  
"Transportation," I said next.  
  
"The Black Pearl and the Dauntless. I know the Interceptor was destroyed, but if it wasn't could I?"  
  
"Of course! Color."  
  
"Black, brown, and dark brown."  
  
"Kids."  
  
Now this one took Jack at least 10 minutes. "None, one, and two," he finally said.  
  
"No kids? Why?"  
  
"If I ever had kids with ye, then I would be in trouble."  
  
"Budget," I snapped.  
  
"5 million, 10 trillion, and infinite!"  
  
"What job do you so desire?"  
  
"Commodore, Admiral, and remain captain."  
  
"Pet."  
  
"Parrot, dog, and um. Um. Monkey!"  
  
"Here's the fun part! Sex life."  
  
"Now Heather! Someone yer age should know that's something ye shouldn't brag about. But since ye asked. Mine is describe as . . ."  
  
"Jack! I don't want to hear what other women have to say. To start you off, wild is one."  
  
He pouted. "Ye don't want to hear? All right, animal and crazy!" He pronounced each one by stretching the word out.  
  
"Last one: Do you think Norrington should get a life?"  
  
"Hell yeah! Ye got to be bloody stupid not to see and he's the most certainly pathetic man ever!"  
  
"Now, just say when."  
  
4 seconds later he called when.  
  
In a mad dash, I tried to figure his out. I was so praying me as the rum would be the luck item!  
  
"Jack Sparrow, your future is this: you live in a mansion (Ha ha ha! Norrington was stuck in a shack and Jack has a mansion!), the hat with any name is your wife, you'll marry before you die, dress is naked, you are naked, the Pearl is the car, she's dark brown, no kids, $5 million, remain captain, pet monkey, sex life is wild, and hell yeah!"  
  
Jack got up and did a little jig when I wasn't his chosen item. "Jack, don't rub it!"  
  
"Sorry luv, I didn't mean it. How can I make it up?"  
  
"Well, I found this thing that can make a person 6 years older. That would make me 21 . . ."  
  
He grabbed my hand and shouted, "Let's go!"  
  
So what did ya think? I know the ending was in my favor but what I can I say? Jack helped me write it. Didn't you?  
  
Jack: Aye. And I have to say Heather, you at 21 was nothing I ever experience! (Jack happily holds me closer and starts kissing me)  
  
Me: Okay! But not here, savvy?  
  
Jack pouting: Fine! Will you be at Pearl at the usual time?  
  
Me: Yes! If you want to see anyone else get MASH then go ahead and give an e-mail and I'll see what I can do. REVIEW! 


End file.
